Even when it's written with proper grammar and rearranged to be more intriguing, it still doesn't have much of a sense of originality about it. It's all cliché - the normal childhood, the parents who make a weird-ass decision, a mysterious girl, a life "spiralling out of control" (oh, please no), a Dangerous Man... none of this sounds even slightly new or exciting.
You need to consider what your 'hook' is going to be. Why should the reader (and more importantly, the publisher) pick up your story rather than the dozens of others like it? What makes your tale unique? What will your book do for the reader that no other book can do?