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Subject: Re: my String Theory novel(ette)
Author: La Reina   (Authenticated as La Reina)
Date: February 24, 2012 at 11:47:07 PM
Reply to: Re: my String Theory novel(ette) by Pyrrhus Emery Coal
The vagueness is more inherent than concentrated on a specific point, but I shall try to point it out. Well, there was that confusion I mentioned regarding who or what Shadrach is. At first mention, he was "sitting happily", which would lead readers to assume that Shadrach is a person. But suddenly, he was licking, which of course suggests a dog. Then, a mane, which brings to mind a horse or a lion (though admittedly dogs and wolves can be said to have manes, it isn't as common), and then a person with the same name. You said that Shadrach was once human, but the person with that name said that he owned a wolf with his name, which suggests there being two different Shadrachs (that said, he might be lying). At that point, I've gotten thoroughly baffled.

Then, let us take, for example, this:

Shadrach looked to me then grabbed the parchment, tracing Charles’ steps through the foliage. I quickly caught up to them along the edge of the Forest. Charles was standing there, frozen in place. He knelt down next to Shadrach and whispered in his ear. He turned back to me then ran off into the Forest. I stood in front of Charles looking into his eyes, and walked towards him. Charles jumped back frightened!
“He felt me.” I said happily. Then I shuddered and turned back to hear Shadrach barking within the Forest. I ran inside the Forest to find him, but kept running in circles. Charles was standing next to me. Shuddering again I wheeled back to find a tall monstrous man standing in front of me. Charles fell against a Tree. Then I saw the claw marks on the trunk.


With the Shadrach predicament, "grabbing" suggests a human's move, but I shan't go there again. Now, at first Charles was frozen standing, but then he was kneeling. Then, Maiara (is that the protagonist's name?) is standing in front of Charles, but still had to approach him (if she were in front of him, wouldn't that be unnecessary?), but he became frightened for no apparent reason.

Then, "he", which could either be Charles or Shadrach at this point, felt the protagonist (I gather that she is either a ghost or invisible, but I'm not sure), which is a somewhat vague statement again. And when the protagonist ran into the Forest, someone (which could either be the narrator or Shadrach, it was confusingly unspecified) kept running in circles, but Charles was somehow standing still next to the narrator.

It might sound like nitpicking, but, well, I'm just stating my suggestions. I'd suggest you try to be a bit more specific in certain parts - such as specifying who exactly was running in circles, or why Charles was frightened - those sorts of things. And, well, minor things such as adding more descriptions. It's not necessary to have tonnes of descriptions, but they help the reader to visualise what you imagined the scene to look like, and it can make the reader more immersed into the story. For example, you can dwell a bit on just how tall, how monstrous the stranger was - how he suddenly emerged from behind the foliage, how the moonlight made his jetty hair shimmer, how his gangly limbs seemed to stretch on and on, and so forth. It makes for a clearer mental image than just "tall and monstrous", and it can create more suspense, more tension for the story.

Just my suggestions, those. You are free to either follow them or ignore them as you will. Do keep writing, though - I must say the story itself somewhat intrigues me.


LaRe
An omnivorous reader with a strangely retentive memory for trifles.

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