|Subject:||Re: Which of these lines has the most impact?|
|Author:||Billina (Authenticated as Billina)|
|Date:||June 10, 2012 at 9:29:47 AM|
|Reply to:||Which of these lines has the most impact? by JessaRose|
Honestly, I feel that both lines are a little too 'anvil over the head'. Maybe you're looking for a line that has that impact, but there has to be a *slightly* more subtle way of getting the reader into the story. Both of those lines come across as very emo to me.
You could just say, "I was two years old when my mother died", or "My mother died when I was two years old", THEN talk about how it was a suicide. I don't know, I just think that sounds better. :/
"An intellectual says a simple thing in a hard way. An artist says a hard thing in a simple way."
"And by the way, dearie, your punctuation sucks canal water!"
-The ghost of Vivian Vance
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