It’s a sunny day, I notice as the yellow wrapping opens. I like fresh air. You don’t get any fresh air at Beef Patty University, where I was Grade A. I know, I talk about being a great student a lot but when you’ve got it, you’ve got it. I see clouds too but it’s not enough to hide the sun completely.
I’m on a table with my wrapper dancing in the breeze just thinking about the goals I have in life. I mean I know I’m just the smartest beef patty you’ll ever meet, but I also have dreams. I hope to travel the world, especially Bangkok. I’m not sure why, but it seems like the thing to do. I hope to learn a second language. I’ve heard Spanish is important but I was hoping more for Esperanto. I’d also like to learn to ride a bike or at least be in a bike basket when someone is peddling. I don’t think these dreams are too special but they are all mine.
There’s some kind of commotion near. I don’t understand it but a man seems to be shouting nonsense. I find it annoying to interrupt my contemplations. I am a deep thinker. That was my specialty at Beef Patty University.
“Aren’t you going to eat it?” I look up and realize that I have two companions. I’ll call one Splashy and the other Orange. Orange has this monstrosity of a camouflage outfit thing just under hear head going to her elbows. I never remember what that’s called. It truly was my only educational fault. Her talons have orange on them too. It would be fine if she looked good in that color but sadly she doesn’t. She just looks green.
Splashy wants to know about my fate. I’m rather interested myself. I mean I am pretty tasty and good looking.
“I took one look at it and lost my appetite.” What? How can that be? I’m gorgeous with my perfectly shapely pickle, dab of ketchup and layer of 100% American cheese. “It just looks gross. Look at it.” Orange picks me up between her strange finger that sticks out on the side and the one next to it. She flops me around and then dumps me back on my yellow wrapper with disgust. To tell you the truth, I didn’t survive Lady at the restaurant to be treated like this.
“Ew, I would totally want to throw it up if I ate it.” I now hate Splashy. “Here,” Splashy yanks me off the wrapper and I’m wiggled around in the air at something fuzzy getting closer and closer. It has floppy ears, a big forehead and mischief in its eyes. There’s a large man with sweat stains under his arm pit so large that they look like half moons and dandruff. I shiftily glance around at the source of that smell. It’s hideous like sulfur.
“Come back here Zuze! Confound you devious and quintessential Tarpy part!” The rushing man shouts. “Hashtag backsplash,” wait, Splashy in involved with this monstrosity? “Semi-colon open parentheses, I have kibble.” It’s now I realize that the soft long eared thing is looming larger and larger. I am precariously dangled lower.
“Don’t poison the thing, Judy,” Orange grabs for Splashy’s arm. A demon beast on four legs comes barreling for me. It’s now I see the razor-like teeth of a young dog. It drains the color from me.
“Don’t feed the tarpy—puppy—meat! It’ll only make him hungry for humans!” The sulfur man speaks. I’m not sure anyone’s listening.
I try to scream when the devil chomps down on my cooked flesh and Splashy yanks me up violently. I am rend in two. Sure the other part is small but it’s the principle of the thing. It’s like I mean nothing to Orange. How can my life be worth their entertainment? Dirty little paws and a yappy mouth try another attack. I am terrified.
~Raging and quivering female mass of hormones and tosser of Dark Side Cookies™ (trade marked by Etoile)