|Subject:||Re: How does this sound?|
|Author:||Billina (Authenticated as Billina)|
|Date:||September 25, 2012 at 4:38:55 PM|
|Reply to:||How does this sound? by Alison|
Well, I'm not sure what you're trying to say with this story, but if you are trying to show the horrors of physical abuse, you're going about it the wrong way. Spirit and Luna don't seem to mind at all that their boyfriends beat the crap out of them for 15 MINUTES STRAIGHT in a dark alley; in fact, they giggle and crack jokes afterward, like it was just a minor inconvenience. Is that the way abused women act? Hardly. I should think they would both be horrified at what happened and that the swim meet would be the LAST thing on their minds. Actually, that brings up another question: Why would Spirit be gung-ho to wear a bathing suit at swim practice when she is covered in bruises and has three broken fingers? She just moves on with her life, like the beating never happened. Also, abusive men don't generally beat their blind dates to a pulp shortly after meeting them. They lay on the charm and act nice for a while before they hit their girlfriends. Having Cory smack Spirit around just because she lied about her brother being a pitcher on their first date is weird and unrealistic.
Also, I have to agree with RoxStar that Luna is a horrible friend for knowing Cory is violent and fixing her best friend up with him, anyway. Who would do that? I strongly suggest you think about this piece, and re-write it. Think about stories you've heard about abusive relationships, and ask yourself if a person would really act that way. As it is, this is all too bizarre to be taken seriously. Good luck.
"An intellectual says a simple thing in a hard way. An artist says a hard thing in a simple way."
"And by the way, dearie, your punctuation sucks canal water!"
-The ghost of Vivian Vance
This message was edited by the author on September 25, 2012 at 4:46:15 PM
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