|Subject:||Re: How does this sound?|
|Author:||klundtacular (Authenticated as klundtacular)|
|Date:||September 25, 2012 at 8:07:26 PM|
|Reply to:||Re: How does this sound? by Billina|
I agree that being beaten up for 15 minutes straight... it seems extremely excessive. I've done a bit of self-defense and boxing and if you're actually trying to fend off blows, well I can assure you 2 minutes is an incredible about of time to just hold the bag for someone punching. Also, watch how boxers behave in a boxing match. Those rounds are 3 minutes long with rest periods between rounds. Those guys can barely stand up after a few rounds. It's hard to beat someone up for long periods of time too.
Here's something that I thought about. Wait, they know they're going into a dark alley and don't SAY ANYTHING? They don't yell. They don't try to stop it at all? And Hope there is a track person? It's her favorite thing? Why didn't she run away then? She's supposed to be sporty and some form of athletic. Nike commericals in the 90's told me that girls who do sports are less likely to stay in abusive relationships and TV doesn't lie. (that last part was a joke)
I'm concerned about the bruising. It takes several hours for bruises to get to their most intense coloring after the initial trauma so having Hope look better the next day doesn't really ring realistic to me. Is she using color corrector as well as powder/liquid? I've seen a coworker with a black eye (that's one big bruise) so horrible no amount of makeup could even possibly cover it up. Her eye had broken blood vessels in it. These girls, punched in the stomach, well, they're probably not walking normally the day after either so jumping around at the mall seems off.
Also, the guy at the mall (which I agree doesn't match tone or plot at all) stares at them for minutes? Why don't you take a watch and stare at someone for 2 minutes. I'm not sure I know a lot of people who would just take that without saying something.
~Raging and quivering female mass of hormones and tosser of Dark Side Cookies™ (trade marked by Etoile)
This message was edited by the author on September 25, 2012 at 10:14:32 PM
|Messages in this thread:|
|Home : Boards : The Writing Room||
Copyright © |