|Subject:||Re: The story: Death is Unpredictable (PREFACE AND CHAPTER ONE)|
|Author:||Billina (Authenticated as Billina)|
|Date:||September 28, 2012 at 2:37:53 PM|
|Reply to:||The story: Death is Unpredictable (PREFACE AND CHAPTER ONE) by Alison|
Well, this piece is better than the last one. The characters were easier to understand, and so was the story. The tone was a bit too whimsical for my taste, but that's just MY taste, so don't count that as a criticism. It's not the type of thing I would read, but other people would.
There are just a couple of things I would work on:
1. The flowery physical descriptions (caramel hair, lavender eyes, etc.) These can sound silly, like your describing My Little Ponies instead of people. I would dial them down a notch, because people don't have "caramel" hair.
2. Slooowly introduce your characters. One thing I've noticed about your writing is that you introduce too many characters in too short a time, and that can get confusing for the reader. I would ease the pace a little and not force a character into a scene, so that their presence feels more natural.
Other than that, I think it's one of your better stories. Keep working out the kinks, and get better. :)
"An intellectual says a simple thing in a hard way. An artist says a hard thing in a simple way."
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