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Subject: Re: The story: Death is Unpredictable (PREFACE AND CHAPTER ONE)
Author: Billina   (Authenticated as Billina)
Date: September 28, 2012 at 2:37:53 PM
Reply to: The story: Death is Unpredictable (PREFACE AND CHAPTER ONE) by Alison
Well, this piece is better than the last one. The characters were easier to understand, and so was the story. The tone was a bit too whimsical for my taste, but that's just MY taste, so don't count that as a criticism. It's not the type of thing I would read, but other people would.

There are just a couple of things I would work on:

1. The flowery physical descriptions (caramel hair, lavender eyes, etc.) These can sound silly, like your describing My Little Ponies instead of people. I would dial them down a notch, because people don't have "caramel" hair.

2. Slooowly introduce your characters. One thing I've noticed about your writing is that you introduce too many characters in too short a time, and that can get confusing for the reader. I would ease the pace a little and not force a character into a scene, so that their presence feels more natural.

Other than that, I think it's one of your better stories. Keep working out the kinks, and get better. :)

"An intellectual says a simple thing in a hard way. An artist says a hard thing in a simple way."
-Charles Bukowski

"And by the way, dearie, your punctuation sucks canal water!"
-The ghost of Vivian Vance

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