|Subject:||Re: Do I reveal too much too soon?|
|Author:||Ludwig (Authenticated as blaaarg)|
|Date:||October 17, 2012 at 8:27:52 AM|
|Reply to:||Do I reveal too much too soon? by JessaRose|
Not exactly. But I don't think the details of the mother's suicide -post-natal depression, and My father came home from work one evening to find me crying in my cot, and my mother lying in bed. She’d overdosed on various pills. - are necessary here or possibly ever. If you do need to reveal them there's dialogue for that later.
There are a few redundancies here and there that would mean insta-rejection if you submitted this somewhere. for instance:
I don’t remember much about my mother; I was very young when she died. She committed suicide when I was two years old.
I don’t remember much about my mother; she committed suicide when I was two.
Generally you use too many semicolons, far too many. Correct use, mostly (except "The sounds, the smell, the taste, the feeling, the actions; this isn’t me," which should be : ) but it's still kind of dizzying. One can get away with 0 semicolons. Check out your first three sentences.
too long to put a number to
kinda weird, do you mean a number of days or what? might want to reword that.
I'm glad you didn't rapturously describe the soldier, but I think "his light brown hair was overgrown" is not a good choice in detail because it leaves him basically anonymous still. In the heat of the moment I'd prefer her to seize onto one outstanding and distinguishing detail like the wart on his nose or the gap between his teeth or how wild or dead his eyes are.
Anyway it's quite good! Not poorly-paced at all, really, just too many semicolons and perhaps not the most precisely effective selection of details.
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