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Subject: Re: Do I reveal too much too soon?
Author: MidnightBeast1098   (Authenticated as MidnightBeast1098)
Date: October 29, 2012 at 6:02:13 AM
Reply to: Do I reveal too much too soon? by JessaRose
This is really good; what happens next? :)
The semi-colons are good, as they add tension; I like them! You can NEVER have too many semi-colons; I live off them, as you can see!
However, I do think that this bit has maybe too many 'me's'. Instead of this;
'This isn’t happening to me. The sounds, the smell, the taste, the feeling, the actions; this isn’t me. This never happened to me. I turn to look at the solider next to me.',
maybe you could have something like this; 'This isn't happening to me. The sounds, the smell, the taste, the feeling, the actions; this isn't me. This never happened; not now, not ever. Breathing rapidly, I turn to the soldier by my side.'
Obviously, you don't have to use that, but maybe just something to think about?
After the wake up bit, I think there's a typo - instead of 'two', I think you mean 'toe'?
And maybe you did give quite a lot away in the first paragraph after Katie wakes. You could just say, 'she commited suicide when I was two years old. I don't remember her,' or something like that.
Hope some of this helps; I'd love to know what happens next! :D

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