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Subject: Re: Could I Please Get Some Opinion On this Prologue/First Chapter.
Author: Julia Elisabeth   (Authenticated as Dahlis)
Date: January 2, 2013 at 12:19:08 PM
Reply to: Could I Please Get Some Opinion On this Prologue/First Chapter. by JessaRose
I think it's really good but there are some things I'd think about:

- Instead of using generalisations, like "a tall building", "the woman answered loudly", "he saw more and more damage in the village" and such. It would be more descriptive if you actually described what happened, like "a skyscraper", "the woman shouted", "he saw broken windows, burning cars, and trash left on the street...".

- Some of the dialogue seems a little stiff, like: "I know that you do, I can see it in your eyes, and I really want you to be happy, and I wish it could be with Alea. Every mother envisions a perfect life for their children, for love to be easy and happy. Unfortunately in this world it isn’t possible, love is just an idealistic value, and marriage is a ceremony of power.”
To me, that doesn't sound like anything that would just come out of someone's mouth naturally, it sounds too made-up.

- This part: "“I love you too, Alea.” He looked up again. “Alea?” He panicked."
It's too abrupt. I don't understand what's happening or what startles the man. I'd try to develop it a little more, like "He looked up again. Her eyes were closed, like she was sleeping, but when he looked at her chest, he saw that she wasn't breathing. She didn't answer him and her hand was limb in his. "Alea?" he called again, but still no response. Panic and fear rose in him..." Something like that.

But there are many good parts! I become intrigued when you talk about the world and the different races. You seem to have a good plot, both politics, love, and action, I like that! And you manage to inform about this world "on the run", you know, you mention all these things about the war, the races and the history in a way that makes it sound completely natural. Good flow.

Keep writing :) and i hope this helped!

---

"I'm not lost, I just want you to find me"

Lost - Six60

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