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Subject: Re: Does this sound too whiny?
Author: Ottilie   (Authenticated as Ottilie)
Date: January 12, 2013 at 8:16:00 AM
Reply to: Re: Does this sound too whiny? by Julia Elisabeth
Well, I guess this is where our opinions on writing differ, haha :) I just mean that I'd rather have Emma's actions and reactions tell me how she's feeling and what she's thinking, rather than just have her thoughts just there.

Have you ever heard the phrase "showing and not telling"? I think there's a bit too much telling here. I mean, some telling is good and it's great to hear the occasional bit of thought, but sometimes that's all there is and that makes it feel very jumbled to me.

I sometimes struggle with having too much speech, or I think I do, so I know how it is. Here, I almost feel like I'm reading a script at times or it's something I'm watching on the television. Maybe cutting it down a bit by having Emma explain before her father asks? Perhaps, if she explains before he asks, it could help with the idea of him being a bit hungover or tired, like he's confused.

Just my thoughts, anyway. You don't have to listen :)

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