|Subject:||A swede has spoken...|
|Author:||Julia Elisabeth (Authenticated as Dahlis)|
|Date:||January 13, 2013 at 2:29:18 PM|
|Reply to:||Do I reveal to much, too soon? AND is anyone Swedish, or know Swedish and can confirm a detail? by JessaRose|
First things first: as a Swede, I can confirm that Frälsaren means saviour, BUT Frälsarenstadt sounds a bit awkward in Swedish. I'd recommend saying Frälsarstadt or even Väktarstadt (väktare means guardian, and would suit the backstory). If you want to go into the deep pit of languages (yes, I am a word geek as well as I am a name geek), frälsare would hint at Jesus - it is strongly connected to religion. Now, the Einar *might* be Christian and then the word would fit, but if they are "just" supernatural police, with no specific ties to Christianity, then Väktare (guardian) or Riddare (knight) or Beskyddare (protector) or Fackla (torch (since they eliminate the dark)) might be more suiting... Fackelstadt sounds most realistic to me. BUUUUT on the other hand, I am being way too much of a word geek here. To anyone who knows a little Swedish, Frälsarenstadt is correct and to anyone who speaks Swedish fluently, Frälsarenstadt is correct but sounds a feels a bit weird in the mouth. And after all, not many people at all speak Swedish, so you don't have to worry :)
I like that you tell a lot in the beginning, because that way the reader get into the story really quickly but you could have done it in a smoother way... Maybe that she is packing and goes through all her gear, and that way starts thinking about her training and tell us about the Einar? It would be a bit flowing, I reckon. And there are some words and phrasing I'd look twice at, like “So you’re going to be selfish and leave your family, what about Marcus?" - I'd split that to 2 sentences:
"So you're going to be selfish and leave your family? What about Marcus?"
It's just a small thing, but I reckon, if you don't punctuate, it's going to look like a script. After all, she is upset and shocked, she has not thought about what she is going to say. Maybe she'd even stutter a little, trying to find the words? But again, that's just a minor thing, and it will be better after proof reading :)
If you need to ask anything else about the Swedish language, feel free to email me! I am born and raised in this language, so I should know.
"I'm not lost, I just want you to find me"
Lost - Six60
This message was edited by the author on January 13, 2013 at 2:32:17 PM
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