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Subject: Re: Too Much Dialogue?
Author: Billina   (Authenticated as Billina)
Date: January 20, 2013 at 10:53:06 PM
Reply to: Too Much Dialogue? by Aly Jones
Weeellll...this might be nitpicking, but there is a moment in the story where Kristina sounds every bit as mean and manipulative as Bethany, and this is it:

...even I had to admit that inside she was a selfish, manipulative bitch. You're probably wondering why I'm friends with her then. Well, when worse comes to worse, I know Bethany will always have my back.

When I read that I thought, "Oh, wow . This girl is supposed to be her best friend, but she calls her a bitch and admits she only keeps her around in case the shit hits the fan. That's not very nice."

I don't know, it just took me right out of the story. :/

To answer your, I don't think there is too much dialogue, but I do think the characters are one-dimensional, and that you're capable of doing better. To me, they came off as cardboard cutouts with assigned, high school movie personalities (blonde hot girl all the guys want, brown-haired mousy girl no one notices, hot British guy, etc.), and I just kept thinking, "I've read this a thousand times before." I'd be interested to see who Kristina and Bethany are beyond those cardboard personalities- what are there hopes and dreams? Who are they beneath the surface? Where are they going in life? My only piece of advice is to flesh this out and dig deeper into your characters, make them a bit more real. Ask yourself if you are writing something personal, or if you're writing something you've seen in TV and movies. Good luck...I hope I didn't hurt your feelings, but I've got to be honest.

"An intellectual says a simple thing in a hard way. An artist says a hard thing in a simple way."
-Charles Bukowski

"And by the way, dearie, your punctuation sucks canal water!"
-The ghost of Vivian Vance

This message was edited by the author on January 20, 2013 at 10:55:46 PM

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