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Subject: Re: Too Much Dialogue?
Author: Cherryfrog   (guest,
Date: January 25, 2013 at 5:37:25 AM
Reply to: Too Much Dialogue? by Aly Jones
Sadly, I have to agree with all the previous comments. The protagonist sounds very critical and worse than her friend Bethany.

There is a lot of show don't tell needed to be applied here, everything is told to us in great detail and all at once. Why can't we discover that Bethany loves gossip by a conversation she has. Amusingly Kristina claims not to like gossip yet she continues to gossip and bitch about her fellow characters to the reader, she seems quite a hypocrtical and unlikeable character.

It is very stereotypical in some parts too and there a few lines that kind of make me squirm, like when Bethany shakes her head so wild she repeatedly whips someone in the face, in real life that doesnt happen, I also don't think we can 'feel' our 'eyes widen'. And not all guys are douches who want to get into your pants.
If Im honest a lot of what the characters says comes across as jealous even, spiteful and a bit bitter even on ococasions holier than thou.

Despite this, I wouldn't say too much dialogue and I think if you hadn't have thrown in all the information about how good looking and great Hunter was, he would be the character I would like the most and be interested in hearing more about.

Good luck writing. x

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