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HelpName dispute with my wife
I'm asking the internet for opinions on this name dispute I am having with my wife. Sorry for a long post. The question requires context.
Story: My wife and I have had a girl's name picked out, at the top of our list, for many years, since before we were married. Our first child was a boy; if he were a girl, he would have been given this name.
After our son, but before falling pregnant again, my wife's brother had a girl, and used the name.
We are pregnant again with a girl. My wife's niece will be about 18 months old when she is born.
Problem: My wife no longer wants to use the name. I still want to use the name.
Relevant objective facts:
- My wife is on good terms with her brother but has very little contact. For example, they still have not congratulated us on being pregnant despite being told months ago. It is a friendly relationship but not close. It is also geographically not close, as they are about 1000km away. We see them, maybe, once a year. Usually less. I have not met my wife's niece, and she is now more than one.
- The name is also very common. One of the top 5 names in this country and most of the rest of the English speaking world. It has spent many recent years at #1 in many different places.
- My wife was given exactly the same name as her father's sister: middle name, surname and all. She has a closer relationship with her aunt than our daughter will ever have with our niece. Additionally, my wife's brother (the one in question) was given the same first name as his mother's brother. My wife has on her "list" of names other family first names. Even my name is the same as another of my wife's brothers.
- Our daughter will be the second granddaughter on this side of the family.
Relevant subjective facts:
- My wife grew up wanting to use this name for her daughter, even planning a certain diminutive.
- I have had my heart set on this name for so many years. I have always - always - imagined our oldest daughter having this name. It was a given, until my wife's brother named his daughter.
- I do not take for granted the possibility of having subsequent daughters, as we did not fall pregnant easily the first or second time. I come from a family of four with only one girl. I have in my mind this could be our only daughter.
- We more or less agree on nearly all names, boys and girls. My main problem is that we agree on this name, too. It's just that her brother used it first. I can compromise with my wife, no problem - I don't want to compromise for my wife's brother, whom I hardly know and nearly never communicate with.
I won't force my wife to do anything, least of all with an important decision like naming a child. But I do not feel I am being unreasonable to insist that it doesn't matter what our niece is called. Ultimately, I will certainly concede before our baby is born. I don't want the birth of our first daughter to be tarnished by this. But I have not conceded just yet.
I have not asked for others' opinions on this, as I'm not one to mind what people think of our children's names. But my wife is telling me that she is vindicated in her position by everyone she asks. It might be relevant to mention that the people she asks are all women, and all mothers. I would like to know if I really am the only person who thinks this way.
Be honest, but kind, please.
Thanks
Story: My wife and I have had a girl's name picked out, at the top of our list, for many years, since before we were married. Our first child was a boy; if he were a girl, he would have been given this name.
After our son, but before falling pregnant again, my wife's brother had a girl, and used the name.
We are pregnant again with a girl. My wife's niece will be about 18 months old when she is born.
Problem: My wife no longer wants to use the name. I still want to use the name.
Relevant objective facts:
- My wife is on good terms with her brother but has very little contact. For example, they still have not congratulated us on being pregnant despite being told months ago. It is a friendly relationship but not close. It is also geographically not close, as they are about 1000km away. We see them, maybe, once a year. Usually less. I have not met my wife's niece, and she is now more than one.
- The name is also very common. One of the top 5 names in this country and most of the rest of the English speaking world. It has spent many recent years at #1 in many different places.
- My wife was given exactly the same name as her father's sister: middle name, surname and all. She has a closer relationship with her aunt than our daughter will ever have with our niece. Additionally, my wife's brother (the one in question) was given the same first name as his mother's brother. My wife has on her "list" of names other family first names. Even my name is the same as another of my wife's brothers.
- Our daughter will be the second granddaughter on this side of the family.
Relevant subjective facts:
- My wife grew up wanting to use this name for her daughter, even planning a certain diminutive.
- I have had my heart set on this name for so many years. I have always - always - imagined our oldest daughter having this name. It was a given, until my wife's brother named his daughter.
- I do not take for granted the possibility of having subsequent daughters, as we did not fall pregnant easily the first or second time. I come from a family of four with only one girl. I have in my mind this could be our only daughter.
- We more or less agree on nearly all names, boys and girls. My main problem is that we agree on this name, too. It's just that her brother used it first. I can compromise with my wife, no problem - I don't want to compromise for my wife's brother, whom I hardly know and nearly never communicate with.
I won't force my wife to do anything, least of all with an important decision like naming a child. But I do not feel I am being unreasonable to insist that it doesn't matter what our niece is called. Ultimately, I will certainly concede before our baby is born. I don't want the birth of our first daughter to be tarnished by this. But I have not conceded just yet.
I have not asked for others' opinions on this, as I'm not one to mind what people think of our children's names. But my wife is telling me that she is vindicated in her position by everyone she asks. It might be relevant to mention that the people she asks are all women, and all mothers. I would like to know if I really am the only person who thinks this way.
Be honest, but kind, please.
Thanks
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Replies
I am on the fence about this because I see both sides. On both sides of my family, there is reuse of names :Lindsey Marie, Tina Marie, Rebecca Lynn, Jessica Lynne, Emma Grace, Marley Emma, Joel Michael, Barry Michael, Leviticus Michael and Zayden Mikel. This is on my mother's side alone and on my dad side we have Michael David and Michael Joseph and we use their middle names when distinguishing them and they are first cousins. Also, we have Avery Elizabeth, Eleanor Elizabeth and Ellen Elizabeth. I don't think it has posed any problems for any of them sharing a part of their name. I do kind of understand why your wife is wanting the name to be unique so I guess I would suggest a different first name and using your cherished name as a middle name or a second middle name. Good Luck, you definitely have good arguments either way.
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Yeah, um no. You don't name your daughter the same name as the only other granddaughter in the family.
Sorry, I think you are on the hunt for another name.
Sorry, I think you are on the hunt for another name.
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Thanks. May I ask whether you think it would make a difference knowing there will be many more granddaughters? Or would it make a difference once there were more granddaughters? There are lots of children in this family.
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There once were more granddaughters as in some passed away?
It might make a difference if your wife was from a family of 5 or more kids and there were already 10 or more granddaughters spanning geography and spanning years.
My mom is one of 9 children in her family. When she was having kids (my siblings and I), there were already 20 grandchildren spanning 25 years. She named my brother Paul, the same name as one of her siblings had used for their son, 20-something years earlier. That, to me, is different than two granddaughters 18 months apart. Oh, she also asked her brother for permission to use the same name and he was honoured. That also matters.
It might make a difference if your wife was from a family of 5 or more kids and there were already 10 or more granddaughters spanning geography and spanning years.
My mom is one of 9 children in her family. When she was having kids (my siblings and I), there were already 20 grandchildren spanning 25 years. She named my brother Paul, the same name as one of her siblings had used for their son, 20-something years earlier. That, to me, is different than two granddaughters 18 months apart. Oh, she also asked her brother for permission to use the same name and he was honoured. That also matters.
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He's mentioning the possibility of there being more grand-daughters. Grand-daughters yet to be born.
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Yes, that's right - granddaughters yet to be born. My wife is the oldest of many, only one other of whom is married, and most or all, presumably, will have children on the future.
But as you point out the 18-month difference and only two kids makes it more important now than it would be in this probable future with lots of grandkids.
But as you point out the 18-month difference and only two kids makes it more important now than it would be in this probable future with lots of grandkids.
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I wouldn't use it nor insist with your wife. C'me on, there must be other james you like!
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Thanks. Yes, thankfully, there are.
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This is a hard one, and I do understand how you feel.However, I think you had better not persist, but choose another good name for your daughter.
Think of it from the daughter's perspective-suppose her name, and her cousin's, is Sophia.Would she like to be always known in the family as "Jim and Michelle's Sophia", as opposed to "Dan and Kayla's Sophia" (that being your wife's brother and spouse.)
When your child is born, remember(from your son's first days and weeks), that it takes a while for a name to settle in.We at least had a tendency to call each of our 3 children The Baby, until we made ourselves stop.
And ultimately, the name you choose will be right.The sound or sight of her name will bring her face to your mind.The name will be her.
I should say, just like your wife's friends, I'm a mother, indeed, a grandmother.
Sending you all good wishes!
Think of it from the daughter's perspective-suppose her name, and her cousin's, is Sophia.Would she like to be always known in the family as "Jim and Michelle's Sophia", as opposed to "Dan and Kayla's Sophia" (that being your wife's brother and spouse.)
When your child is born, remember(from your son's first days and weeks), that it takes a while for a name to settle in.We at least had a tendency to call each of our 3 children The Baby, until we made ourselves stop.
And ultimately, the name you choose will be right.The sound or sight of her name will bring her face to your mind.The name will be her.
I should say, just like your wife's friends, I'm a mother, indeed, a grandmother.
Sending you all good wishes!
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Thanks very much, Tassie Girl. She would probably be differentiated with a nick name or surname, but you do raise a good point.
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I am backing your wife on this one. There is no way I'd consider using a name that was used by any of my siblings, or any same generation relative for that matter. I would definitely be bothered by the fact that my parents would have two granddaughters with the same first name...even worse if it's their only two, or first two, or whatever. To be fair though, uber common names really lose their luster for me, so my judgment is clouded by that. If this is a top 5 name, your daughter would be sharing her name with many classmates, playmates etc, so really a cousin I suppose isn't such a big deal in this instance. But maybe this is fate intervening on your unborn daughter's behalf to assist her in avoiding being just another ____________ ;p Kidding, kidding. But really, the top five names are all nice enough, but you seem like a thoughtful guy, I bet you two could do better. The problem with the top names, no matter how lovely they are, is that they come across as a little uninspired, which will seem doubly so for you guys, what with a niece already named this. Even if you don't care what others think, clearly your wife does...or at least she cares what members of her family think (again, I can't say as I blame her).
You mention that she grew up sharing her name with a relative, so it seems like she would have first hand experience as to whether this is something she'd prefer to avoid for her own daughter.
I think it's sweet that you are putting so much thought into this, my experience is husband's take more of a "veto" only approach to naming. I do see both sides to this, and perhaps your wife will decide it really is "the* name when she meets the baby, so this will all be for naught. In the meantime, try and have some fun envisioning other names for your daughter, and see if any of them stick. Ask for suggestions here, they folks always have some great ideas.
PS. It's totally Sophia, isn't it? ;) Or Olivia?
You mention that she grew up sharing her name with a relative, so it seems like she would have first hand experience as to whether this is something she'd prefer to avoid for her own daughter.
I think it's sweet that you are putting so much thought into this, my experience is husband's take more of a "veto" only approach to naming. I do see both sides to this, and perhaps your wife will decide it really is "the* name when she meets the baby, so this will all be for naught. In the meantime, try and have some fun envisioning other names for your daughter, and see if any of them stick. Ask for suggestions here, they folks always have some great ideas.
PS. It's totally Sophia, isn't it? ;) Or Olivia?
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Thanks for your thoughts. Actually, most of our other agreed names are in the 50-100 range but certainly not top 5. Neither of us really care that much about that. Our surname is not that common. But yes, we have enjoyed thinking about alternatives, and I probably should focus on the fact that we agree on so many other nice names.
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If I were in the same situation I'd find a new name. I wouldn't want my child to have the same name as their cousin, I would feel like that name has already been taken in the family. Plus it could be confusing for your wife's parents to have two grandchildren with the exact same first name.
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Thanks. I'm wondering if you think this would be less of an issue if there were a lot of grandchildren? There won't be for us, yet, our girl will be their fourth, two of each.
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Let's start with a What-if.
What if your first child had been a girl. Your chosen name still tops your list, but - and this happened with my first daughter - the baby mysteriously doesn't look like a Gertrude or a Wendy or whatever you'd wanted. So I was to be seen paging through a Baby Name book when the baby was just hours old, searching for an alternative. Which I found, and it worked well. Funny things just happen sometimes. A friend of mine told everyone that her daughter ws going to be Sylvia, but when she saw her, she decided the child was actually a Helen, greatly surprising the family and in-laws.
So, is there any chance that your wife might agree to your favourite name, but use it as a mn instead of a fn? Clearly she feels very strongly about not having the cousins answer to the same name, even if they're never in the same room together, but a mn is a more private possession. I think that's the way I'd go. (Actually, I don't. I'm pretty darn certain I'd use the #1 name I'd always wanted, regardless of my brother, but what do I know?)
Please keep us informed, if you can. This is an interesting and tricky problem. Good luck!
What if your first child had been a girl. Your chosen name still tops your list, but - and this happened with my first daughter - the baby mysteriously doesn't look like a Gertrude or a Wendy or whatever you'd wanted. So I was to be seen paging through a Baby Name book when the baby was just hours old, searching for an alternative. Which I found, and it worked well. Funny things just happen sometimes. A friend of mine told everyone that her daughter ws going to be Sylvia, but when she saw her, she decided the child was actually a Helen, greatly surprising the family and in-laws.
So, is there any chance that your wife might agree to your favourite name, but use it as a mn instead of a fn? Clearly she feels very strongly about not having the cousins answer to the same name, even if they're never in the same room together, but a mn is a more private possession. I think that's the way I'd go. (Actually, I don't. I'm pretty darn certain I'd use the #1 name I'd always wanted, regardless of my brother, but what do I know?)
Please keep us informed, if you can. This is an interesting and tricky problem. Good luck!
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We actually both agree on seeing our baby before locking in the name. We did with our son, though we went with the name we'd chosen beforehand. It'd be nice if I saw our girl and decided my name didn't fit, but we'll see.
I will come back in October to reveal the end of the story, and before then if there are further developments, such as my wife changing her mind. :)
I will come back in October to reveal the end of the story, and before then if there are further developments, such as my wife changing her mind. :)
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I think it would be fine to use the name, under the circumstances you describe. The same thing happened in my family. My mother named my sister Patricia nn Patty and three years later, her brother, her only sibling, named his daughter Patricia nn Patti. My mother and her brother were not close and we didn't seen our cousins all that frequently. I don't remember even thinking twice about the fact that my sister and my cousin had the same name, as a matter of fact.
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This is how I believe it would be for us.
Thanks for your input.
Thanks for your input.
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If your wife really loves this name as much as it sounds like she does, then she'll still want to use it, but may be worried about doubling in the family. This may seem an odd worry because there already seems like much doubling in the family but that was with a previous generation, and perhaps now your wife wants more individuality within the family for your child.
Press on with trying to convince your wife that this is the name for your baby, but if you can't, then don't divorce over it. Use it as a middle name or pick a different variant or chose something else completely. It's not the end of the world.
Press on with trying to convince your wife that this is the name for your baby, but if you can't, then don't divorce over it. Use it as a middle name or pick a different variant or chose something else completely. It's not the end of the world.
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Thanks, it certainly won't be the end of the world, or our relationship. :)
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I would still use it, in your position.
We had a name picked out for a girl, one I'd loved for years, before we had any kids. We also had a boy first. Fortunately, nobody in our family used our name in the meantime, but then we did have a daughter and gave her the name we'd had picked. But if someone would have used her name, I would have been really hurt (this name is not common on babies), and I'm sure ultimately decided to still use it. It does have a ton of nickname options, to differentiate.
But anyway, yes. In your situation, even though I normally would say don't use the same name as another family member, I would still use this name you've had picked. I'm surprised your wife doesn't still want to use it! Hopefully she'll change her mind for you. :)
We had a name picked out for a girl, one I'd loved for years, before we had any kids. We also had a boy first. Fortunately, nobody in our family used our name in the meantime, but then we did have a daughter and gave her the name we'd had picked. But if someone would have used her name, I would have been really hurt (this name is not common on babies), and I'm sure ultimately decided to still use it. It does have a ton of nickname options, to differentiate.
But anyway, yes. In your situation, even though I normally would say don't use the same name as another family member, I would still use this name you've had picked. I'm surprised your wife doesn't still want to use it! Hopefully she'll change her mind for you. :)
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Thank you, and with three-ish months to go, I'm still hoping that as well. :)
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I know what it's like to have a name in mind for a future daughter, only to have someone else use it in the meantime! I always wanted to name my future daughter Ruby, but when I met my husband he already had a niece with that name! Turns out I will be the mama of two boys anyway, so it's all good! I don't think it's the best idea to get caught up in the fact that you wanted this name and that is that and refuse to let it go. If it was me, I would use the name as a middle name, then it's still a part of her name. Maybe your wife would be alright with that idea? All the best.
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Thanks Sarah, the middle name idea is growing on me, though it would never be quite the same.
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I do understand you. But to be honest, I wouldn't want to use the same name as my brother did for his daughter. To me it feels too close, like it's already taken. My brother and I aren't super close, but we see each other a couple of times a month anyway. I don't think it would matter if we would see each other only once a year, it's still my brother and my niece.
You said your wife had planned on using a certain nickname, maybe you could go with that as a given name instead? Or some up with something else it could be a nickname for?
You said your wife had planned on using a certain nickname, maybe you could go with that as a given name instead? Or some up with something else it could be a nickname for?
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Thanks
Your suggestion is certainly a possibility, especially if we use it as a middle name.
Your suggestion is certainly a possibility, especially if we use it as a middle name.
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My initial reaction is that I'd still use it. If my husband were that set on it as you are.
Then I was thinking. When I actually had my daughter, I'd stricken my #1-forever name (that my husband liked) off my list because a friend had named her daughter that six months earlier. (We ended up moving away and losing touch completely with that friend!) I struck off a boy name because a cousin used it - someone I've never even met.
So while I think your case for using the name is completely rational, nothing wrong with it at all, there is no reason not to use the name ... well, there is a reason. I just can't pin down what it is exactly. It's just a sensation of uniqueness, maybe? Wanting the girl to have a name that feels like it means this kid, only? Maybe a feeling that the name becomes generic, not an identity?
In reality I would never, ever use a name that a relative had recently used, even though we don't see one another often. Let alone one my own sister used. I think you might be a little too dismissive of the sibling rivalry factor, as well - you don't bother to wonder what it would really be like for you, if your own sibling had actually used the name. Even though in real life they wouldn't, what if they really had? It'd be hard to "copy" them, especially if your wife is younger than her brother.
So it's not about what people think. It's really about how mom feels about her daughter. Something ineffable.
So I think you are right, but the right thing to do is to let it go and open yourself up to using another name. It's a little weird if you have invested so much in this one name for a daughter, that you'd go to the mat with your wife. Not that you're going to the mat - I don't think you have - but you're looking really hard for ways around her feelings.
Then I was thinking. When I actually had my daughter, I'd stricken my #1-forever name (that my husband liked) off my list because a friend had named her daughter that six months earlier. (We ended up moving away and losing touch completely with that friend!) I struck off a boy name because a cousin used it - someone I've never even met.
So while I think your case for using the name is completely rational, nothing wrong with it at all, there is no reason not to use the name ... well, there is a reason. I just can't pin down what it is exactly. It's just a sensation of uniqueness, maybe? Wanting the girl to have a name that feels like it means this kid, only? Maybe a feeling that the name becomes generic, not an identity?
In reality I would never, ever use a name that a relative had recently used, even though we don't see one another often. Let alone one my own sister used. I think you might be a little too dismissive of the sibling rivalry factor, as well - you don't bother to wonder what it would really be like for you, if your own sibling had actually used the name. Even though in real life they wouldn't, what if they really had? It'd be hard to "copy" them, especially if your wife is younger than her brother.
So it's not about what people think. It's really about how mom feels about her daughter. Something ineffable.
So I think you are right, but the right thing to do is to let it go and open yourself up to using another name. It's a little weird if you have invested so much in this one name for a daughter, that you'd go to the mat with your wife. Not that you're going to the mat - I don't think you have - but you're looking really hard for ways around her feelings.
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Oh, and to be clear, I have considered the situation if it were my sibling. I'd still feel the same. We are both the oldest in our families.
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Thanks Mirfak and Roxstar.
You're both right, I will bow out gracefully about this ultimately. It's not worth going to the mat over. I was curious if it's the majority report to avoid using names already used within the family, and it seems it is, but I'm pleased to see I'm not the only one who thinks it's not a problem.
I place great importance on my wife's feelings, and I know that even if it's not "rational" or whatever to feel as she does it still matters how she feels. The ineffable feelings are often the most important factors with names aren't they?
I am curious, mirfak, if you are glad you didn't use the name your friend used just before, or if you regret it because you don't have contact with her.
You're both right, I will bow out gracefully about this ultimately. It's not worth going to the mat over. I was curious if it's the majority report to avoid using names already used within the family, and it seems it is, but I'm pleased to see I'm not the only one who thinks it's not a problem.
I place great importance on my wife's feelings, and I know that even if it's not "rational" or whatever to feel as she does it still matters how she feels. The ineffable feelings are often the most important factors with names aren't they?
I am curious, mirfak, if you are glad you didn't use the name your friend used just before, or if you regret it because you don't have contact with her.
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Sure, I guess you could say I "regret" not using the name. I mean, if I had used it I think I would be happy I had. I would have liked it. I feel dumb for missing the opportunity to use it, when it turned out not to matter.
But on the other hand, the name my daughter ended up getting seems to be so right for her - I wouldn't change it if I had the opportunity to retroactively change it today.
But on the other hand, the name my daughter ended up getting seems to be so right for her - I wouldn't change it if I had the opportunity to retroactively change it today.
This message was edited 7/15/2014, 11:58 PM
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Thanks. "Regret" is probably a strong word. And true - whatever name we end up using will be right for her.
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agree
There's nothing wrong with still wanting to use the same name you've had your heart set on for so long, but there's a time when you should admit you're licked and bow out gracefully. There's so many names in the world to choose from, it seems a shame to insist on one that has already been used within the family, even if the relatives are not close.
There's a family that lives near my in-laws. They have a daughter named Hannah who I guess is about 14. Until last year or so, the mother's sister and her family lived a couple houses down from them. Their daughter, who is about a year or so off Hannah's age, though I don't remember who is older, is named Anna. So all this time, the sisters are living very near each other, have always been close, and their daughters have almost the same name, names that, when called out from a distance, sound exactly alike. I just think it was silly to do that.
There's nothing wrong with still wanting to use the same name you've had your heart set on for so long, but there's a time when you should admit you're licked and bow out gracefully. There's so many names in the world to choose from, it seems a shame to insist on one that has already been used within the family, even if the relatives are not close.
There's a family that lives near my in-laws. They have a daughter named Hannah who I guess is about 14. Until last year or so, the mother's sister and her family lived a couple houses down from them. Their daughter, who is about a year or so off Hannah's age, though I don't remember who is older, is named Anna. So all this time, the sisters are living very near each other, have always been close, and their daughters have almost the same name, names that, when called out from a distance, sound exactly alike. I just think it was silly to do that.
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If this were me, I'd use the name I loved. Life is far too short to worry about what others may think. And also, this type of situation can work out nicely for all involved. My sister has a dd named Emily. Several years later, my sister's SIL named her dd Emma (to her credit, she did ask her brother and my sister for permission first). This SIL lived all the way across the country (and eventually in Australia). These cousins never see each other. It really isn't a big deal for them. They're FB friends and that's about it.
You (and I'm assuming your wife) love the name. This may be your only dd. I say if you can explain your feelings in a way to your wife where she'll agree, then go for it and don't look back. If you can't get her to agree, then I wouldn't use the name or use it as a mn. So is your wife concerned about what people may think or does she now love another name more? BTW, is this a family name?
You (and I'm assuming your wife) love the name. This may be your only dd. I say if you can explain your feelings in a way to your wife where she'll agree, then go for it and don't look back. If you can't get her to agree, then I wouldn't use the name or use it as a mn. So is your wife concerned about what people may think or does she now love another name more? BTW, is this a family name?
This message was edited 7/14/2014, 9:57 PM
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Thanks.
Your first paragraph is exactly how I feel.
Your second - yes, I have explained it like that to her, but I don't think she can be convinced. I think she understands how I feel, and she has tried to imagine our daughter with the name, to be fair to her. I'm not sure whether she's worried about what "people" think, but I know she's considering that her mother would have two granddaughters, both with the same name. I think she can't disassociate the name from her niece, even though she's only seen her briefly a couple of times.
It's not a family name.
Your first paragraph is exactly how I feel.
Your second - yes, I have explained it like that to her, but I don't think she can be convinced. I think she understands how I feel, and she has tried to imagine our daughter with the name, to be fair to her. I'm not sure whether she's worried about what "people" think, but I know she's considering that her mother would have two granddaughters, both with the same name. I think she can't disassociate the name from her niece, even though she's only seen her briefly a couple of times.
It's not a family name.
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I wouldn't want to have the same name as my cousin, even if we never/rarely see each other. You can't predict what your child would want, but that's a perspective to consider.
Would you feel differently if one of YOUR siblings had used the name?
Personally, I'd probably ditch it. Especially if you and your wife agree on names! That's amazing. My fiance doesn't like to agree on any of the names I like. There's bound to be another name you both can love just as much (plus you will love the name even more when it is on your real daughter and not just the one you've kept in your head all these years).
(is it Emma? I bet it's Emma).
Would you feel differently if one of YOUR siblings had used the name?
Personally, I'd probably ditch it. Especially if you and your wife agree on names! That's amazing. My fiance doesn't like to agree on any of the names I like. There's bound to be another name you both can love just as much (plus you will love the name even more when it is on your real daughter and not just the one you've kept in your head all these years).
(is it Emma? I bet it's Emma).
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Thanks.
It is a perspective I've considered. I'm not even slightly close to any of my cousins, while my wife is a bit closer to hers, although still not much. Maybe that's something to do with our different opinions.
I'm pretty sure I wouldn't feel differently with my siblings, but then it's not an issue with my siblings (I have a niece on my side, but my sister and I have vastly different taste in names).
But, you're right, it is amazing how much we do agree. And the issue certainly will fade into insignificance when we have a real flesh and blood daughter! My name will be forgotten and whatever she is called will be perfect. (I have tried using this argument on my side, too - my wife would forget it was ever an issue.)
It's not Emma. :)
It is a perspective I've considered. I'm not even slightly close to any of my cousins, while my wife is a bit closer to hers, although still not much. Maybe that's something to do with our different opinions.
I'm pretty sure I wouldn't feel differently with my siblings, but then it's not an issue with my siblings (I have a niece on my side, but my sister and I have vastly different taste in names).
But, you're right, it is amazing how much we do agree. And the issue certainly will fade into insignificance when we have a real flesh and blood daughter! My name will be forgotten and whatever she is called will be perfect. (I have tried using this argument on my side, too - my wife would forget it was ever an issue.)
It's not Emma. :)
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You make me terribly, terribly curious as to what the name is. But you seem to be carefully not saying, and so I shall not ask.
Personally, it would not bother me if someone like a brother-in-law had chosen the same name. Even if it was someone like a brother. Even if they lived next door, if I liked the name that much, I would use it.
However.
If your wife is so very, very against it, what can you do? Wives are not to be messed with!
Is she open maybe to similar names? If the name you wanted was Emily, would you both me happy with Emmeline? Something that you could use the same diminuative for, as you have already chosen one?
Or maybe use the name favoured by you as the middle name, and chose something entirely new for her first one?
Personally, it would not bother me if someone like a brother-in-law had chosen the same name. Even if it was someone like a brother. Even if they lived next door, if I liked the name that much, I would use it.
However.
If your wife is so very, very against it, what can you do? Wives are not to be messed with!
Is she open maybe to similar names? If the name you wanted was Emily, would you both me happy with Emmeline? Something that you could use the same diminuative for, as you have already chosen one?
Or maybe use the name favoured by you as the middle name, and chose something entirely new for her first one?
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Thanks.
I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks it's not important.
But, you are right, my wife is against it. So that's probably the end of it. The "middle name" option has been discussed and I guess is still an option. I have some hope that it might be an option as a first name if we have a second daughter. But who knows if that will happen. To be honest, I don't think either of us would like the "similar name" option - it'd be too close for comfort for her, and not the same thing for me.
I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks it's not important.
But, you are right, my wife is against it. So that's probably the end of it. The "middle name" option has been discussed and I guess is still an option. I have some hope that it might be an option as a first name if we have a second daughter. But who knows if that will happen. To be honest, I don't think either of us would like the "similar name" option - it'd be too close for comfort for her, and not the same thing for me.
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I'm sure it will pass besides if it is the in the top five (lucy? or Sophia? can't blame a name nerd for trying...)then it might be better for your daughter in the long run to pick another name that might be less common. I know for me. in my generation my name is extremely common (Alexandra) in my school there were 8 girls in the graduating class named Alexandra/ia, there were 4 on the swim team and my very best friend just so happens to be named that too (they kept use straight by using different nicknames) while on the surface I love the feel and meaning of my name it doesn't feel like "mine" which makes it feel less special to me. my parents still love it and they have a right too because it meant something to them when they choose it for me. but at the same time its my identity. again just another perspective to consider
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Thanks for your thoughts. I had thought it was a reason to use the name, as if we did our daughter would know lots of girls with the name so her cousin would be just another one. Both my wife and I have very common first names for our generation.
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I'd move on, but also not totally rule the name out. Don't think of it as "conceding" to faraway in-laws. Think of it from this perspective - would you want to settle on a name your wife insisted on, but you'd grown lukewarm about? Or use it just because of the principle of the thing? That would just eradicate all the magic of the name for me. Maybe your wife will change her mind about it. Maybe when the baby is born you'll both just look at her and say "Yeah, this girl is [Olivia etc]. It's a done deal, sorry brother-in-law". And let the chips fall where they may.
There are so many names in the world, it seems a silly waste to tear your hair out over just one, before the baby is even here. Put the name in question in the middle. Then you can still use it as a pet name if you truly cannot imagine living life without it.
PS: I'm not a mother.
There are so many names in the world, it seems a silly waste to tear your hair out over just one, before the baby is even here. Put the name in question in the middle. Then you can still use it as a pet name if you truly cannot imagine living life without it.
PS: I'm not a mother.
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Thanks.
Would I want my wife to insist on a name I'd grown lukewarm on? No. But that's kind of one of the point - I know she hasn't grown lukewarm. She still likes the name. It's simply that her brother used it.
Yes, in some ways, it is the principle - I don't want to give up my long-chosen name for a reason I don't think is important. But the magic hasn't gone, which is why I'm upset about it. It's still my favourite by such a long margin.
The middle name option has been suggested. It wouldn't be the same but I haven't ruled it out.
Anyway, thanks for your thoughts.
Would I want my wife to insist on a name I'd grown lukewarm on? No. But that's kind of one of the point - I know she hasn't grown lukewarm. She still likes the name. It's simply that her brother used it.
Yes, in some ways, it is the principle - I don't want to give up my long-chosen name for a reason I don't think is important. But the magic hasn't gone, which is why I'm upset about it. It's still my favourite by such a long margin.
The middle name option has been suggested. It wouldn't be the same but I haven't ruled it out.
Anyway, thanks for your thoughts.
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