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HelpRe: Antonia doesn't have to be Toni (carry it on)
in reply to a message by Millie
I've seen a lot of people on here say, "I know a (Name) who is never called (Nickname), but always the full (Name), so it's not inevitable."
My experience has been the opposite. I've known people who absolutely insist on shortening a name no matter what the bearer of the name wants. So even though they may be known as Full Name to most people, they aren't to everyone.
And it's not as big a deal as it sounds and not as rude as it sounds.
Anyway, that's why I'm in the "If there is any possible nickname that you despise, better forget it" camp.
My experience has been the opposite. I've known people who absolutely insist on shortening a name no matter what the bearer of the name wants. So even though they may be known as Full Name to most people, they aren't to everyone.
And it's not as big a deal as it sounds and not as rude as it sounds.
Anyway, that's why I'm in the "If there is any possible nickname that you despise, better forget it" camp.
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"I've known people who absolutely insist on shortening a name no matter what the bearer of the name wants."
Yup, I deal with this a lot. However, I've noticed the people that do this are very different from those that ask if you are okay with a nickname. The latter seems to care about me more as a person and respect my wishes.
Yup, I deal with this a lot. However, I've noticed the people that do this are very different from those that ask if you are okay with a nickname. The latter seems to care about me more as a person and respect my wishes.
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I actually had the exact opposite problem. I'm a transguy who was born with the name Jasmine. Clearly I hated it's femininity, so I told everyone to just call me Jay. It worked, nearly all of my classmates and teachers called me Jay. Except for a handful of students and two teachers. I wrote Jay on everything. Papers, assignments, permission slips, and yet they'd still read out Jasmine. It was ridiculous, but this was the same teacher who wrote Merry Christmas at the top of my essay about not celebrating Christmas so.
One kid found some hilarious joke in calling me the dreaded name. He'd always see me in the hallways or in band and smile and wave, going 'Hey Jasmine, how's it going JASMINE' and no matter the amount of times I told him not to, he did it anyways and laughed. His reasoning was that 'Jay isn't your real name, Jasmine is'
So I started calling him Samuel instead of Sam. He didn't like it and told me to stop, when I laughed and said 'Silly you, Sam isn't your real name, Samuel is!' He argued that it 'isn't the same because Sam is a common nickname for Samuel'
He didn't talk to me anymore and I graduated last year and I got the last laugh.
One kid found some hilarious joke in calling me the dreaded name. He'd always see me in the hallways or in band and smile and wave, going 'Hey Jasmine, how's it going JASMINE' and no matter the amount of times I told him not to, he did it anyways and laughed. His reasoning was that 'Jay isn't your real name, Jasmine is'
So I started calling him Samuel instead of Sam. He didn't like it and told me to stop, when I laughed and said 'Silly you, Sam isn't your real name, Samuel is!' He argued that it 'isn't the same because Sam is a common nickname for Samuel'
He didn't talk to me anymore and I graduated last year and I got the last laugh.
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Or your kid likes the nickname you hate!
My cousin is Patrick and both of his parents hate 'Pat' but he went by Pat with his friends from basically the moment he started primary/elementary school because he didn't mind it at all (probably liked it even?) and that was that. My Aunt and Uncle still hate it and they will always call him Patrick and my Aunt says she still inwardly cringes even 27 years later now when a friend of his in their small town runs into her and is like, "Hey, you're Pat's mum!" She doesn't say or do anything but I think she tried to tell Patrick early on that he was "not Pat" and then realized she was fighting a losing battle. To Patrick's credit, he never insisted that his parents call him 'Pat'. In our family, us 'young ones' call him Pat occasionally but to most of the family he is exclusively Patrick...however, outside our family (professionally, in social groups, to school teachers back when in school) he is exclusively Pat.
ETA: I've seen this a number of times and that is why I am also in the camp of "if you really cannot stand a popular nickname for a name, then don't use the name."
My cousin is Patrick and both of his parents hate 'Pat' but he went by Pat with his friends from basically the moment he started primary/elementary school because he didn't mind it at all (probably liked it even?) and that was that. My Aunt and Uncle still hate it and they will always call him Patrick and my Aunt says she still inwardly cringes even 27 years later now when a friend of his in their small town runs into her and is like, "Hey, you're Pat's mum!" She doesn't say or do anything but I think she tried to tell Patrick early on that he was "not Pat" and then realized she was fighting a losing battle. To Patrick's credit, he never insisted that his parents call him 'Pat'. In our family, us 'young ones' call him Pat occasionally but to most of the family he is exclusively Patrick...however, outside our family (professionally, in social groups, to school teachers back when in school) he is exclusively Pat.
ETA: I've seen this a number of times and that is why I am also in the camp of "if you really cannot stand a popular nickname for a name, then don't use the name."
This message was edited 4/21/2018, 12:11 PM
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Absolutely - I just read this now after my own response
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Right? I've also seen on this site "what if they change their nickname as an adult" but they could easily change it as a kid too. My younger sibling changed from a nickname to a full name at 3. People literally just stop responding to any name other than the one they like (unless they like multiple names/nicknames).
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I am also in that camp. I would never use a full name I hate the nicknames for, for the reason you gave, here. I would have to love EVERYTHING about a name in order to use it in real life.
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I'm even okay with not loving all of the nicknames but as long as I don't absolutely hate any of them. I think you need to be far more aware of this though if you plan to never use a nickname yourself, as my Aunt and Uncle did with Patrick. Pat and Paddy are both common nicknames. We already had a Paddy in our family given that my family had recently immigrated from Ireland, and even then Paddy was the less likely of the two options in Australia in the 80s and 90s. You're more likely to avoid an unwanted nickname if you get ahead if it by picking one yourself and I will likely do that with hypothetical kids because I'm a nickname kind of person. If you hate Allie or Alex for a girl and you choose Alexandra and then nickname her Lexi, I think you have a better chance of avoiding Allie and Alex than if you insist on her being always called Alexandra.
I love Margaret and it's a family name and my favorite nickname is Greta. My great-grandma was Margaret "Madge" and I think Madge is revolting. But I'd be fine with Maggie or Meg, which are probably the most likely nicknames currently for Margaret. I don't love them but I'd get used to them. I also love the names Alexandra and Charlotte. For Alexandra, I'm lukewarm on Alex for a girl (I prefer it for a boy) and I hate Lexi, Lex, Allie etc.
I love Margaret and it's a family name and my favorite nickname is Greta. My great-grandma was Margaret "Madge" and I think Madge is revolting. But I'd be fine with Maggie or Meg, which are probably the most likely nicknames currently for Margaret. I don't love them but I'd get used to them. I also love the names Alexandra and Charlotte. For Alexandra, I'm lukewarm on Alex for a girl (I prefer it for a boy) and I hate Lexi, Lex, Allie etc.
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Yes, and I've recounted my "Husband decided to call himself Jim and mother-in-law hated it" story countless times already.
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Yep :)
Just don't do it if you hate a nickname, especially if that nickname is 'in fashion' when you have your son. Jim was definitely the go-to nickname for James when your husband was growing up.
I don't think a hatred of Bill should turn someone off using William currently but if you hate Will and want to avoid it, I'd steer clear of William. Of course, these things change and there is always a small chance of any of the nicknames! This is just like I wouldn't fear a little girl called Margaret would get Peggy or Peg these days unless it was chosen by their parents...but if you were completely opposed to Maggie, which is currently more popular...it might be best to not use Margaret.
Just don't do it if you hate a nickname, especially if that nickname is 'in fashion' when you have your son. Jim was definitely the go-to nickname for James when your husband was growing up.
I don't think a hatred of Bill should turn someone off using William currently but if you hate Will and want to avoid it, I'd steer clear of William. Of course, these things change and there is always a small chance of any of the nicknames! This is just like I wouldn't fear a little girl called Margaret would get Peggy or Peg these days unless it was chosen by their parents...but if you were completely opposed to Maggie, which is currently more popular...it might be best to not use Margaret.
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Very true.
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All of this.
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True story: in the town where I live, someone named Deborah started a new job (old but true story!) and was introduced to all her new colleagues by her full name. One of them, a senior and therefore powerful woman, got up to welcome her and called her Debby. Deborah corrected her politely but still in front of the entire staff. The temperature dropped. A few months later she was fired on a trumped-up charge, which - she said - saved her the trouble of walking out.
Moral: people who insist on shortening names regardless can be very defensive of their 'rights'.
Corollary: I don't know if anyone ever used Debby again in that workplace!
Moral: people who insist on shortening names regardless can be very defensive of their 'rights'.
Corollary: I don't know if anyone ever used Debby again in that workplace!
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I think it is rude to call someone a name they don't like, and never go by.
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I think it's a little rude to shorten without permission. It's very rude to continue to do so if you've been corrected. I had a rather bad fight with my brother when he continued to insist on calling John "Jackie" after he said he didn't like that name. It ended up becoming a discussion of respect and values and how incompatible our thoughts on them are, even though the name thing seems small.
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Exactly. People tend to shorten my name and it drives me nuts. Call someone by the name with which they introduce themselves. It's basic respect.
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Completely agree.
At my old job a new kitchen assistant asked my name (after being told it several times), so I said “it’s ____” so he thought it was clever to call me “s-____” and absolutely refused to stop. So I just never answered him.
There are only three people I let use a nickname for me, mother’s best friend, boyfriend’s dad and his partner. The former doesn’t know the latter two but they all call me the same nickname, which actually I don’t think is that intuitive. I have my reasons for letting them all do it, mostly that I’m fond of them, but I don’t think I’d let anyone else.
At my old job a new kitchen assistant asked my name (after being told it several times), so I said “it’s ____” so he thought it was clever to call me “s-____” and absolutely refused to stop. So I just never answered him.
There are only three people I let use a nickname for me, mother’s best friend, boyfriend’s dad and his partner. The former doesn’t know the latter two but they all call me the same nickname, which actually I don’t think is that intuitive. I have my reasons for letting them all do it, mostly that I’m fond of them, but I don’t think I’d let anyone else.
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agree
Especially if they've said straight out what they want to be called. There's some leeway for parents or close family or friends, in private anyway, but I think it's the height of disrespect to ignore somebody's wishes about use of a nn or not.
Especially if they've said straight out what they want to be called. There's some leeway for parents or close family or friends, in private anyway, but I think it's the height of disrespect to ignore somebody's wishes about use of a nn or not.
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Oh, I don't know. My sister's first husband used to call me Janno, which I hated, but I knew he meant it as an endearment.
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It totally depends on your relationship with the person!
If they're someone you trust isn't trying to dominate you by creating fake familiarity, but is really just being friendly, it's totally prissy to refuse their nickname. But if they're someone you just know is doing it to score a point somehow, it's intolerable.
If they're someone you trust isn't trying to dominate you by creating fake familiarity, but is really just being friendly, it's totally prissy to refuse their nickname. But if they're someone you just know is doing it to score a point somehow, it's intolerable.
This message was edited 4/22/2018, 10:22 AM
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NT
This message was edited 4/22/2018, 2:53 PM
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To me, there is a difference between a silly nickname, and a shortened version of a full name that they just don't care for. When I posted, I was thinking more of the latter. Insisting on that when someone clearly doesn't like it is just plain weird.
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Isn't it sad, queenv, that when one considers an action to be endearing, and the person unto whom the action is committed, considers it offensive, implying "no means no"; well, actually, this is a strain of logic that it were better not carry on, if you know what I mean...
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I'm thinking of a real life example. I have a friend named James, and whenever anyone calls him Jim, he ignores them until they call him James, again. His father went by Jim, and he doesn't have the best relationship with his father, so he hates being called Jim. Unfortunately, a lot of people call him that without asking.
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