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Subject: Re: What do you think of my prologue so far?
Author: Julia Elisabeth   (Authenticated as Dahlis)
Date: January 6, 2013 at 11:04:13 AM
Reply to: What do you think of my prologue so far? (more) by trepak
It's quite short so there is not much to comment on. Your use of words is really good, in my opinion. Good vocabulary makes the text interesting to read.

I really liked how you used the two characters' train of thoughts to hint at what has happened - it described both "the mystery plan" and it described the two characters. Nice!

One thing, that's not necessarily criticism but that's worth to look at: "there was no way in hell they could fail". You use quite advanced language in the rest of the text ("minute twitch", "frivolous", etc.) so when you use an expression that's so common like "no way in hell", it contrasts a bit with the rest of the language. But on the other hand, it might be Dr Moore's way of thinking, and in that case it would fit, since you're describing his way of thinking. Just keep in mind that some people find it confusing if you switch between slang and advanced vocabulary.

I'd be very excited to read more.

PS: This was good, you didn't need to use your age as an excuse. It makes you sound immature.


"I'm not lost, I just want you to find me"

Lost - Six60

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