|Subject:||Re: First impressions? [Link removed, text-added. Please take a look!]|
|Author:||Julia Elisabeth (Authenticated as Dahlis)|
|Date:||January 12, 2013 at 3:44:26 AM|
|Reply to:||First impressions? [Link removed, text added. Please take a look!] by Ottilie|
Well, obviously you have been writing before, because the way you write seems professional to me, so language wise, I can't complain. You also get the plot out quite quickly - father/son drama, possible love story, returning to a place you haven't visited in a long time... It's intriguing.
The thing I reacted on, and you can totally disregard this if you want to, because this is 100% my opinion and others might totally disagree, is that ... sometimes it tend to be a little cliché. Like, the girl, Emily, seems to be a misunderstood nerdy sort of girl, bullied by her peers, having a quirky hobby ... I've read so many books about the that sort of girl that now it bores me. Admittedly, I don't get to know a lot about her (this is only a short part of the story, obviously) so you might surprise me later, and she'll turn out unique and authentic, but for now she doesn't convince me.
It's the same when you describe Nate's return to his old home: you seem to use a lot of cliché language, in my opinion, like "Nothing had changed", "Nothing had changed at all", "Everything's the same around here". While this IS important too (that you're pointing out that Nate is from a sleepy town where not much changes), it's still so deja-vu for me. And deja-vu in the sort of way that makes me bored. I'd recommend you to focus on what Nate is feeling instead. Remove some of the "I'm not surprised my dad is still a dickhead, because that's what he's always been and nothing ever changes here", and put in some real feelings that I can identify with. If I was in Nate's situation, I'd be really sad after seeing my dad, even if I had suspected he was still an unsympathetic character with no love for me. But Nate's just like "No biggie, let's have coffee". That bugs me a lot, and personally I don't believe that is realistic, unless Nate is somewhat emotionally disturbed.
But again, this is my personal thoughts on the matter, and others might totally disagree with me, but it was all I could critique on. Just watch out so you don't fall into the pit of clichés, because it can be quite difficult to get out of it.
"I'm not lost, I just want you to find me"
Lost - Six60
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