View Message

I'll do one for each sex and each letter, leaving out the kind of names that are either one-shot deals (once ran across a girl named ShaChronic, which is terrible but highly unlikely to be repeated) and names that are mainly just historical, like Pliny or Sappho.

---

Girls:
Annie: picture some bedraggled, barefoot, stringy-haired Okie in a limp calico dress who just wants to go to the big city and ride in a taxi cab.
Bailey: Everybody and their brother has a dog named Bailey.
Chelsea: I picture some ten-year-old girl with a huge mouth, both literally and figuratively, hair cut shorter than most boys wear theirs, always smelling sweaty, always winning gold stars in school but nobody likes her because she's so damn pushy and obnoxious.
Darlene: Was homecoming attendant in 1965 and has never gotten over it.
Emma: A mumble of a name.
Frances: What is the appeal of this name?
Gabrielle: If I could just get past the ugly gab sound ...
Hannah: Organic oatmeal served with no sweetener and a dash of skim milk. Perfectly healthy but totally tasteless.
Isabella: A big fat overstuffed couch or a woman who looks like one, all ruffled and lacy and out of place in any room.
Jane: It's called Plain Jane for a reason.
Katie: Simpering little girl (of any age) with fat pink chipmunk cheeks and a silly giggle even when nothing at all is funny.
Lucy: Put your shoes on Lucy, dah-dah-dah, put your shoes on Lucy, cause you know you're in the city, put your shoes on Lucy, you're a big girl now. I was very surprised that people around here knew this old song, I thought it was an Okie thing.
Miriam: Annoying, weak, limp, spineless hipster favorite that all the hipsters get upset when they find out it isn't as rare as they wish.
Nikki: This sounds like the ultimate Playmate name, but if I recall there actually haven't been any Playmates with the name, or at least only one or two in 60 years.
Olive: Good in a salad, awful on a person. What people who are terrified of meeting another Olivia think is a good substitute.
Piper: Cartoonishly flaky and cutesy.
Quinn: so ambisexual it's nothing at all.
Rosie: Big, fat, bossy bartender name. It is not cute on a little girl.
Sadie: Rosie's cranky mother-in-law.
Tessa: Baby talk.
Ursula: Seems designed especially to be an Ugly Classic Name.
Vivian: Like cheap nylon sliding against itself.

---

Boys:
Arthur: This is so overrated. And probably most of the people who say they love it have never heard it pronounced the country way: Author.
Beau/Bo: Dog's name. Cheap nickname.
Chad: eighties surfer dude with three brain cells, two of whom are fighting, and an unfortunate acne problem.
Duncan: Dunkin' and Duncan Hines and Dunkin Donuts. It just sounds like something or somebody getting dunked into something.
Ezra: Sounds like throwing up.
Finn: lame wannabe Irish name.
Gus: perfect name for a large, clumsy, bad-breathed, flatulent dog.
Holden: Holden Caulfield was an annoying character that we're all supposed to identify with. I really think that the Catcher in the Rye is almost the only reason anybody uses this name.
Ian: Long nasal whine of a name.
Jamie: Mildly cute on a girl, babyish and weak on a boy.
Kirk: Sounds like somebody cracking his knuckles.
Logan: Stereotypical Teen Heartthrob Name for today. Brooding, handsome, maybe even dangerous, writes bad poetry.
Matthew: Seems like it should always be Baby Matthew or Little Matthew.
Norman: As somebody who doesn't find dorkiness/nerdiness to be attractive, endearing or even particularly interesting, I find Norman to be dorky to the point of pitiableness.
Oliver: I tripped in the cafeteria and spilled tomato soup Oliver my shirt.
Phineas: I had to get an operation on my nose to realign my phineas bone.
Ryan: I can't even articulate how much I loathe this name and the ugly, stupid face it conjures up.
Scott: the Logan of the 1960's.
Timmy: I really like Timothy, and Tim is a nice nn, but Timmy is like the go-to brat name.
Virgil: makes me think of a stomach medicine, or maybe the parasite it's supposed to treat.
Xander: I'm not fond of Alexander, but Xander is the most self-conscious, look-a-me! I'm special! nn I can think of.

This message was edited 10/16/2014, 8:03 AM