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HelpRe: A Little Dilemma With Honour Names (Warning: long!)
in reply to a message by Cynthiana
IIWY I'd name my daughter _____ Marianna and my son _____ William (or James, whatever the man wants).
It would not look stupid if (James) William & (Mary) Elle named their kids (William) ____ and Mary _____. Nobody will even know, if you don't call them by the same names you go by.
I don't think your husband's family's names amount to a "tradition" of using the name James, any more than you and your mother amount to a tradition of using the name Mary. I think you do have to have equal treatment - your "right" to name a daughter after your mother should be treated the same as your husband's "right" to name a son after himself.
I think if you don't like the name James and don't want to call your son it, that's the final word on that - it will never be the name he is called by. Same as if your husband didn't like Mary; you would not want your real-life daughter called by a name her father dislikes! There's not much point in arguing about it right now, because when there's an actual baby, it'll almost certainly become obvious to your husband that he doesn't want to "force" you to call your son a name you don't like, or force his son to bear a name his mother dislikes.
Middle names are so useful. You can use them for honoring even when one of you doesn't like the name, and you can use them for address when the first name is purely traditional and not that appealing. The latter isn't something I'd ever do, because it's not my style, but there's nothing weird about using a parent's name for a child. Or both parents'. It's just awkward if you're introducing yourself and the child by the exact same name. "Hi I'm Mary, Mary's mom" ... it's not stupid, just distracting.
- mirfak
It would not look stupid if (James) William & (Mary) Elle named their kids (William) ____ and Mary _____. Nobody will even know, if you don't call them by the same names you go by.
I don't think your husband's family's names amount to a "tradition" of using the name James, any more than you and your mother amount to a tradition of using the name Mary. I think you do have to have equal treatment - your "right" to name a daughter after your mother should be treated the same as your husband's "right" to name a son after himself.
I think if you don't like the name James and don't want to call your son it, that's the final word on that - it will never be the name he is called by. Same as if your husband didn't like Mary; you would not want your real-life daughter called by a name her father dislikes! There's not much point in arguing about it right now, because when there's an actual baby, it'll almost certainly become obvious to your husband that he doesn't want to "force" you to call your son a name you don't like, or force his son to bear a name his mother dislikes.
Middle names are so useful. You can use them for honoring even when one of you doesn't like the name, and you can use them for address when the first name is purely traditional and not that appealing. The latter isn't something I'd ever do, because it's not my style, but there's nothing weird about using a parent's name for a child. Or both parents'. It's just awkward if you're introducing yourself and the child by the exact same name. "Hi I'm Mary, Mary's mom" ... it's not stupid, just distracting.
- mirfak
This message was edited 3/16/2015, 10:43 AM
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Yeah, I think middle names will save us. DH does like my name very much and he really wants us to use it. I'm kind of more feeling the need to modify the name, and use a variation ala Maria or Mariana. The problem is just that I don't like his (first) name, and I cringe at the thought of having another 'James'. His middle name is much more meaningful, I think, so hopefully that's the route we'll take. I'm a bit worried that his family will be enraged/hurt -- after all, we will be breaking more or less of a tradition. I hope we'll be able to use a variation of my MIL's name instead. It's time that she gets some love, too.
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Yeah, I see how it makes you cringe. Naming four sons after yourself doesn't make it a tradition, and if any naming after oneself looks "stupid," it's gotta be naming all four of your sons after yourself. Haha. If I were your husband, I'd want to step out of my dad's shadow by naming a son anything but James.
Anyway, if he's supposed to follow the James "tradition" then shouldn't his own brothers all follow it, too, and ought every one of the child's male cousins on Dad's side also have the same name? Nobody needs that much "honoring," IMO. Too silly!
It was satisfying (to me anyway) to put honoring names in the middle slot. I gave my son my (deceased) father's name as a middle name. However I don't think I'd have regretted it terribly, if my husband had objected and we'd just used a name we both liked, instead. It wasn't something worth going to the mat over. It seemed really important when I was pregnant, but now the boy is named - and although I am happy I gave him the honoring name, I realize it wasn't that crucial after all.
Anyway, if he's supposed to follow the James "tradition" then shouldn't his own brothers all follow it, too, and ought every one of the child's male cousins on Dad's side also have the same name? Nobody needs that much "honoring," IMO. Too silly!
It was satisfying (to me anyway) to put honoring names in the middle slot. I gave my son my (deceased) father's name as a middle name. However I don't think I'd have regretted it terribly, if my husband had objected and we'd just used a name we both liked, instead. It wasn't something worth going to the mat over. It seemed really important when I was pregnant, but now the boy is named - and although I am happy I gave him the honoring name, I realize it wasn't that crucial after all.
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Yes, and I know for a fact that his brothers will use 'James' -- They are all for tradition. I also think it's completely silly. I know they wouldn't create a spectacle if we don't use it, but I'm a bit scared my son will feel like an outsider. There are several other people from my family (and his, too) that I'd like to honor.
Thanks for your opinion!
Thanks for your opinion!
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