New Post
Search
HelpHonoring - would you ask permission.
I was thinking about honoring names today and I was thinking about my grandmothers name, Hilda.
I love the name now and would definitely consider using it as a FN.
However, I was wondering whether if I was going to, whether I should ask permission.
The second thought was that my grandfather (Stewart) had two birth certificates, one where his name was Gabriel and the one that he got later in life with the name that he knew himself as (Stewart).
(Very long story.. but essentially he thought his name was Stewart LN and it wasn't till much later in his life when he couldn't find his original birth certificate and when they checked the dates and the hospital and mothers details his birth certificate listed him as Gabriel different LN)
I definitely plan on using Stewart as a second MN, but I really love Gabriel at the moment. So I was thinking if we did use Gabriel to ask my father if it was ok as it could be a sensitive name for him due to all the confusion about my grandfathers real name.
So would you ask permission in honouring?
ETA: Would you still use the name if the person objected.
I love the name now and would definitely consider using it as a FN.
However, I was wondering whether if I was going to, whether I should ask permission.
The second thought was that my grandfather (Stewart) had two birth certificates, one where his name was Gabriel and the one that he got later in life with the name that he knew himself as (Stewart).
(Very long story.. but essentially he thought his name was Stewart LN and it wasn't till much later in his life when he couldn't find his original birth certificate and when they checked the dates and the hospital and mothers details his birth certificate listed him as Gabriel different LN)
I definitely plan on using Stewart as a second MN, but I really love Gabriel at the moment. So I was thinking if we did use Gabriel to ask my father if it was ok as it could be a sensitive name for him due to all the confusion about my grandfathers real name.
So would you ask permission in honouring?
ETA: Would you still use the name if the person objected.
This message was edited 7/24/2014, 4:31 PM
Archived Thread - replies disabled
1
Replies
I really think it depends on your family dynamic. Both my kids have family names. For my daughter, both my great grandma (Amalia) and grandma had both passed before I was even married, so their wasn't really anyone alive who would have really cared deeply if I used the name or not. After we did, my grandpa kept saying how happy it would have made my grandma to know we had done that.
For my son, he's named after my dad and my father in law. We didn't ask. We announced the name after we knew the gender. Of course, they were both thrilled. But we knew they would be. If they had been offended somehow, I believe they would have said something and we would have reconsidered.
For my son, he's named after my dad and my father in law. We didn't ask. We announced the name after we knew the gender. Of course, they were both thrilled. But we knew they would be. If they had been offended somehow, I believe they would have said something and we would have reconsidered.
1
My late mother didn't mind her name much, but really despised most if not all the nn forms. It was her own mother's mn, but she never gave a thought to using it for me. After hear death I used it for my daughter, and never hesitated. She would have been surprised, but would have respected our choice.
I suppose that if there's a chance that the original owner might object, one could make it a mn and therefore less obvious. Or tweak it a bit, like using Margot instead of Margaret or Rory instead of Roderick. But it would be a courtesy to ... not ask exactly, but state your intention.
I think your grandfather had two good names, and the confusion was none of his doing; can't imagine why there'd be a problem.
I suppose that if there's a chance that the original owner might object, one could make it a mn and therefore less obvious. Or tweak it a bit, like using Margot instead of Margaret or Rory instead of Roderick. But it would be a courtesy to ... not ask exactly, but state your intention.
I think your grandfather had two good names, and the confusion was none of his doing; can't imagine why there'd be a problem.
1
You don't have to ask permission. Honoring naming isn't about honoring the person's will IMO. If you wanted to honor the will of a living relative you would just ask them to give the child a middle name of their choice, and they could use their own if they liked. But if you're choosing the name, honoring about honoring the namesake's memory, to be honest. Even if she's still alive. It's about honoring your own idea of her, not the person herself.
I'd ask permission only if it meant something to me to have permission or approval. If I knew I would feel bad about Grandma saying "oh god, you named her Mary Hilda?? Poor child!" or about Dad saying "Gabriel? But that wasn't his name at all!" then I would ask for permission. But if I knew I really wanted to use the name regardless of their feelings, I'd use it regardless.
I was talking about names with my 8 year old daughter yesterday. We mentioned honoring middle names - she said her friend's middle name was the friend's grandmother's first name, and I asked what the friend's mother's middle name was, to see if it was the same. I suggested that my daughter almost got her (living) grandmother's name as a middle name, and also my sister's name was a candidate. She was confused and laughed - that would be confusing and unfair, she said, for two people in our family to have partly the same name. We agreed that it's best to name people after relatives who are dead. That's pretty much how I feel about it, and how I decided to name my kids (both have, as MN's, the first names of dead relatives).
I'd ask permission only if it meant something to me to have permission or approval. If I knew I would feel bad about Grandma saying "oh god, you named her Mary Hilda?? Poor child!" or about Dad saying "Gabriel? But that wasn't his name at all!" then I would ask for permission. But if I knew I really wanted to use the name regardless of their feelings, I'd use it regardless.
I was talking about names with my 8 year old daughter yesterday. We mentioned honoring middle names - she said her friend's middle name was the friend's grandmother's first name, and I asked what the friend's mother's middle name was, to see if it was the same. I suggested that my daughter almost got her (living) grandmother's name as a middle name, and also my sister's name was a candidate. She was confused and laughed - that would be confusing and unfair, she said, for two people in our family to have partly the same name. We agreed that it's best to name people after relatives who are dead. That's pretty much how I feel about it, and how I decided to name my kids (both have, as MN's, the first names of dead relatives).
This message was edited 7/24/2014, 9:21 PM
1
I think I would ask permission, yes. After all, it is them that you're setting out to honor, so I should think that asking their thoughts would be a logical course of action (especially if the name in question is a potentially touchy subject). If they did have objections, I'd definitely scrap the name altogether (unless we could compromise and use a variant or something of the name rather than the name outright). Again, it is that person you wish to honor; how would you be honoring that person if they didn't want to be "honored" in that way in the first place?
1
No, I wouldn't ask permission. I know this because I used my mother's name as my daughter's middle name and I didn't ask my mother if it was okay with her. I'd had it planned since I was a young teenager. I considered it my child and my choice. And if my mother had objected although she hadn't been asked, yes, I still would have used it.
Oh, and my sister gave her son the middle name Joseph to honor my father and she didn't ask my father permission first. The concept is weird to me.
Oh, and my sister gave her son the middle name Joseph to honor my father and she didn't ask my father permission first. The concept is weird to me.
This message was edited 7/24/2014, 5:55 PM
1
The fact that you are having doubts about it means to me that you probably should ask. Even if only to reassure your feelings about everything.
1
Agreed. In general, I don't think you need to ask, but in this particular circumstance I think it'd be best. And I wouldn't use it if they objected.
Also, Bex, I freakin' love that you'd consider using Hilda as a first.
Also, Bex, I freakin' love that you'd consider using Hilda as a first.
1
haha. Thanks
I always hated my grandmothers name, but now I love it! Its so unique and classic and not popular at all! I love the idea of calling her Hilly for short (my gran has no nickname).
My only worry for asking my grandmother permission is that i'm pretty sure she hates her name so she wouldn't want me to use it for that reason alone!
Daphne & Hilda are our top 2 (and pretty much only) girls names.
I always hated my grandmothers name, but now I love it! Its so unique and classic and not popular at all! I love the idea of calling her Hilly for short (my gran has no nickname).
My only worry for asking my grandmother permission is that i'm pretty sure she hates her name so she wouldn't want me to use it for that reason alone!
Daphne & Hilda are our top 2 (and pretty much only) girls names.
1
Ah, I see. It would be a bit of a shame if she didn't want you to use it... Maybe you could have Mathilda as a back up? If you like it, that is, but I personally think Daphne and Mathilda would be precious :)
1
No. Make it a lovely surprise. But with the name like Hilda, sounding old and outdated, have it be her middle name or at least another version of hilda
1
yes, I would
Honoring is supposed to be because you respect the person, and how disrespectful it would be to use their name without their permission while they were still alive. I would no more use a living person's name than I would donate to a charity in their name without asking them first.
Honoring is supposed to be because you respect the person, and how disrespectful it would be to use their name without their permission while they were still alive. I would no more use a living person's name than I would donate to a charity in their name without asking them first.
1
I look at it this way. Nobody has a monopoly on their name anyway. It's not like I can get pissed at the couple in Peoria who name their baby Janice because they didn't ask my permission. And, under any other circumstances, does Mom or Dad or Grandma or Grandpa or Uncle Joe get to dictate to you what to name your child? No. I don't see how it's any different if it's their name you want to use.
1
the couple in Peoria ...
Didn't name their daughter Janice and say they were "honoring" you. That's the difference. Somebody does something in your name, or with you in mind, or because of their connection to you, then they ought to at least see the reason it might be courteous to consult your feelings.
Didn't name their daughter Janice and say they were "honoring" you. That's the difference. Somebody does something in your name, or with you in mind, or because of their connection to you, then they ought to at least see the reason it might be courteous to consult your feelings.
1
Honestly, I think the main reason that I can't even grasp the concept of asking permission is because I can't wrap my mind around why, for what reason, anyone would object anyway. The only reason I've ever seen cited is that the possible honoree doesn't like his or own name. (And as I've mentioned several times, my mother hated her name and I knew that.) Uh, well, okay, but it's not your kid. The parents love it, or they like it, or they're neutral on it but they want to use it to honor you, or they hate it but that doesn't matter to them if it's a middle name because they want to honor you. And I can't even come up with any other reason anyone would object. It would just seem so selfish to me to say "No" to that request.
1
in Bex's grandfather's case ...
He had a birth name that he didn't know about till he was grown, and a name he was always called and knew himself as. She says there's a long story involved with how he came to be named so differently on the birth certificate and in actual practivce. It may well be a painful or embarrassing story, and that ought to be taken into account. Of course he's gone now and maybe the story doesn't mean so much to his son/Bex's father, but it still bears cconsideration; it's easy to imagine why he might be called a different last name than is on his records, but the reasons behind him not being called by his official first name except on the birth certificate are a bit murkier and compelling.
He had a birth name that he didn't know about till he was grown, and a name he was always called and knew himself as. She says there's a long story involved with how he came to be named so differently on the birth certificate and in actual practivce. It may well be a painful or embarrassing story, and that ought to be taken into account. Of course he's gone now and maybe the story doesn't mean so much to his son/Bex's father, but it still bears cconsideration; it's easy to imagine why he might be called a different last name than is on his records, but the reasons behind him not being called by his official first name except on the birth certificate are a bit murkier and compelling.
This message was edited 7/25/2014, 6:30 AM
1
Yeah, but I was just speaking generally.
1